Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Free Meretz Membership To Anyone Alive Last Time They Had Power (PreOccupied Territory)


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Meretz_LogoTel Aviv, July 20 - Leaders of the left-wing party Meretz launched a new membership drive today to bolster the movement's stagnant rolls, promising to exempt from the payment of dues any new members who were alive when the party last sat in a government.

Party chairwoman Zehava Gal-On made the announcement to inaugurate the drive, which will run through the rest of the month. Meretz hopes to attract at least a thousand new members during that time, and has focused especially on senior citizens. That demographic, says Gal-On, represents what she called the country's last best hope of thwarting right-wing dominance of the affairs of state that has characterized most of the last twenty years in Israeli politics.

"I see this drive as a metaphor for our situation and our aspirations," Gal-On told a group of activists who had assembled at the party's headquarters to kick off the campaign. "Withdrawal behind the Green Line is a fading dream under continued premierships of Bibi and the Likud. In just a few years a realistic peace agreement will be forever out of reach, a dead idea. Appropriately, then, we are focusing our efforts on Israelis in the seventh, eighth, and ninth decades of their lives who know the feeling of being likely to drop dead anytime now."

Meretz last held seats in a government under Prime Minister Ehud Barak, and since then has seen a decline in parliamentary representation. The party currently holds five seats in the Knesset, a far cry from its twelve in the waning decade of the previous millennium. Party leaders hope to tap into some of the memories the elderly may have of that distant time before the land-for-peace formula blew up in the form of suicide bombings, Hamas rockets, stabbings, and vehicular terrorism.

"We're offering incentives to people who were around back then and might still remember what it's like to be optimistic that we'd hit upon a successful formula," said MK Ilan Gilon. "It also helps that people who are old enough to have been alive the last time our party had power are also quite likely to be suffering from some sort of dementia, and won't necessarily realize we're not in the same situation now as we were then."

"Some parties look to the youth as their future, but we don't have that luxury," continued Gilon. "Our core demographic doesn't reproduce at a rate that could guarantee holding on to the seats we have in Knesset, let alone increasing our share. Add to that the way so many of our voters vow to leave every time Bibi is reelected - we're bleeding voters. Our only hope, really, is to rope in as many voters now before it's too late."

Not everyone in Meretz is happy with the initiative. "Meretz may once have been suited to sit in a government, but that's no longer the case," argued former MK Haim Oron. "These decades in Opposition have stripped the party of any sense of what it takes to formulate actual policy and implement it, actions that necessitate compromise with real-world phenomena and people. Meretz has become so devoted to perfect ideology that it wouldn't be able to come to terms with the nitty-gritty, less-than-perfect world that doesn't behave as ideologues insist it should."

Oron conceded the point is academic as long as Palestinian leaders and policymakers keep undermining every argument Meretz can muster about the possibility of peace.



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Consistent Use Of Correct Hebrew Proves Man Is Foreign Spy (PreOccupied Territory)


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SR71Tel Aviv, July 13 - Investigators in Israeli counterintelligence have caught a foreign agent when the man unwittingly exposed himself by being the only person who used grammatically correct Hebrew, Shin Bet sources reported today.

The man, an employee at a government-owned enterprise in the defense industry, was exposed during a twice-yearly review by Shin Bet officers who determined he could not be the native Israeli and Hebrew speaker he claimed to be, since no Israelis are particular about using the correct grammatical forms in everyday conversation, and most even disregard it in more formal contexts.

A source within the agency, known by its formal acronym Shabak, told reporters on condition of anonymity that reports of a mole within the enterprise had surfaced last year, but that clear evidence of the spy's activities and identity did not begin to emerge until several months ago. Investigators gradually narrowed the field until it was clear materials were being leaked to foreign interests from a specific unit in the company.

In the guise of conducting an efficiency examination for quality purposes, the Shabak agents posed as consultants and interviewed several dozen staff and supervisors in the suspected unit. "It became pretty clear that the guy we were looking for was sitting in front of us when he started using the right verb form for the third-person plural future," recalled the agent, rolling his eyes. "I mean, even the radio announcers, who are required to speak a certain way, don't say 'telekhna' when everyone just says 'yelkhu'."

Investigators' ears further perked up when the interviewee actually used the first-person singular future prefix instead of just using the third-person form that everyone has adopted out of sheer laziness and mishearing. "He actually made sure we heard him pause between 'Ani' and 'eshmor' so we would hear that he wasn't saying 'yishmor' as everyone else would," said the agent. "That basically clinched it for us. Afterwards we conducted a more thorough background check and found a relative who works for a courier service used by one of the embassies here, and put it all together." The relative has already confessed to involvement.

"Also, the guy made sure to use masculine numbers with masculine nouns and feminine numbers with feminine nouns," added the agent, contrasting it with the general practice of using the simpler feminine form for all purposes. "It was just further proof that he didn't have genuine roots in the country and society. What idiot does that?"



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Islamic State Claims Credit For Trump (PreOccupied Territory)


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Donald Trump 2015Medina, July 6 - The Islamic State has not claimed credit for perpetrating an suicide bombing attack yesterday at the burial site of the prophet Muhammad that killed 4, but a video clip has emerged of an organization spokesman asserting that a more momentous phenomenon, the rise of Donald Trump as a likely candidate to win the US presidential election in November, is an IS initiative.
In a two-minute video posted on social media today, IS representative Ayman Assol can be seen announcing that Trump's success as a candidate is the result of a Daesh plot to bring about the downfall of the West and thus remove a major obstacle blocking the organization's ambition to establish a global Islamic caliphate.

ISIS spokesman
"The people who prophesy the decline of Daesh will be shamed and our enemies will cower when they finally realize that the political rise and success of Donald Trump is our doing," boasted Assol. "The arm of Islam reaches into the depths of the enemy's rear and strikes with the fist of a thousand vengeances."

Analysts voiced disagreement over whether the claim constitutes mere bluster or reflects fact. "I'd say that, like Trump himself, this claim is little more than hot air dressed up in funny hair," asserted Richard Silverstein, a Seattle-area blogger with expertise rivaled only by that of the 1940's IBM executive who predicted a world market for maybe four computers. "The only kernel of truth in this claim is that because ISIS is actually an Israeli conspiracy to divide, weaken, and ultimately destroy the Islamic world, and Israel also controls everything happening politically in the US, ISIS and Trump are on the same team." He called for the abolition of the two-party system and the Constitution and for them to be replaced by a triumvirate consisting of him, Ali Abunimah, and Max Blumenthal to safeguard against further Zionist control of the country.

On the other side of the divide stands noted political analyst David Duke. "Oh, this is real," he said. "But I'm still endorsing Mr. Trump, because in the chaos that will inevitably follow his election, my allies and I will be able to seize power and implement our agenda, which in many ways parallels that of the Islamic State, only with more Jews on the receiving end."

Others disputed both assessments, noting that earlier reports showed evidence that Trump's rise is a plot by Russian President Vladimir Putin.



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NJ Lawmakers To Take Turns Giving Wedgies To BDS Advocates (PreOccupied Territory)

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NJ State HouseTrenton, June 29 - As part of a legislative package passed on Monday that barred the state pension fund from investing in companies that boycott Israel, New Jersey General Assembly and Senate members also initiated a mandated weekly activity in which one lawmaker will seize the underwear band of a BDS activist from the back and pull it upwards with enough force to jam the fabric of the garment into the wearer's intergluteal cleft and, if possible, ripping the waistband itself from the remainder of the garment.

A provision of the measure divesting from the Israel-divestment advocates calls for a literal divestment of said advocates in the form of a wedgie, a classic prank associated with the debasement of the person receiving the wedgie. Legislators from both major parties spoke out in favor of both the overall anti-BDS bill and the specific wedgie provision of it, and called on Governor Chris Christie to sign the bill into law. The governor is expected to do so.

"This is an important statement that we will not accept the nonsense that the BDS movement peddles, and that their bullying tactics will only backfire," said State Senator Minerva Melvin, a Democrat of District 18 in the central part of the state. "It is high time these thugs receive a taste of their own medicine, and I, for one, look forward to administering an atomic wedgie or two, and cheering on my colleagues to do the same." An Atomic Wedgie, she explained, involves pulling the back of the underwear over the target's head.

Republican Frank Brastrap of neighboring District 17 noted the rare bipartisanship that characterized both the deliberations and voting on the measure. "Some issues are too important to be subjected to partisan politics, and hoisting BDS with its own petard is one of the issues firmly in bipartisan consensus in this state and in the country at large," he gushed. "And speaking of hoisting, I intend to find a good hook or door handle or something from which to hang any activists with the misfortune to have me as their wedgie provider."

BDS advocates admit they feel squeezed by the law. "But I'm not going to let the threat of wedgies intimidate me into silence," vowed activist Paur Aziz, a student at Rutgers University. "All these Zionist-owned legislators should know that intimidation is OUR strategy, and we do not stand idly by when others turn around and use it against us."

Aziz declined to comment on reports that an amendment to the bill has already been proposed, under which swirlies would be added to the treatment meted out against BDS advocates.



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Hazan Complains MKs On Status Of Women Committee Ugly

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Oren HazanJerusalem, June 22 - Likud lawmaker Oren Hazan courted controversy again today when he described the female members of the Knesset Committee on the Status of Women and Gender Equality as unattractive.

Hazan, who has a reputation for crudity, made the remarks following a Likud faction meeting. Several women legislators heard the statement, and said they intend to submit an ethics complaint.

"Those girls could learn a thing or two from Ayelet Shaked and Stav Shaffir," Hazan was heard to say. "Who is going to take these women seriously if they don't take their own looks seriously? I'm sorry, but I don't think the public wants to entrust its assets and its future to a group of hypocrites who pretend to care about the status of women but don't think the rules apply to them."

While the legislator spoke to no one in particular, assorted members of the Knesset clerical staff stared, transfixed, as Hazan held forth on the aesthetics of the women on the committee. Taking that as an invitation to continue, he gave a woman-by-woman breakdown of his opinion on the appearance of each female member of the committee.

"[Yesh Atid MK, Committee Chairwoman Aliza] Lavie, you could tell was attractive when she was younger, but she's already in her fifties, so forget it," he asserted. "I think it says something about the committee that they didn't choose the prettiest girl in the room, or even anyone in the top five. It's disgraceful, come to think of it."

"Then there's [Kulanu MK Merav] Ben-Ari, who might have had a half a chance a decade ago, but she's still single, at age forty-one," he continued. "That's just pathetic. And there's [MK Shuli Moalem]-Refaeli, who might have been kinda cute once upon a time, but she dresses all religious and has had seven kids, which takes a toll on a girl's looks. Dressing all modest-like doesn't undo stretch marks. You just have to be honest about that."

Hazan saved his most damning critique for last, lashing out at Joint Arab List MK Aida Touma-Sliman. "But Aida is the icing on the cake here," he added with rising tones. "Talk about ugly. The fact that she's widowed only strengthens the question for me of how anyone could have found her attractive, but there are freaks in every group, I guess. You'd think that someone with her relatively high economic status would have the brains to use that money for cosmetic surgery, or at least some diet and exercise plan."

The tirade ended when a young female parliamentarian passed by and Hazan went silent, looking her up and down approvingly.



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Harrowed Khamenei Describes His Orlando Nightclub Ordeal (PreOccupied Territory)

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khamgayTehran, June 15 - Now back in the safety of the Iranian capital, Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei described for well-wishers the tale of his miraculous survival in the Orlando, Florida nightclub where a Muslim radical killed 49 people and injured 53 on Sunday.

Khamenei, still visibly distraught from the horror of the incident, escaped harm by hiding behind and under other patrons, and managed to hold another person between himself and the gunman long enough to escape the carnage. Friends and relatives in Iran described his actions as heroic.

The Supreme Leader, 76, was spirited back to Iran immediately following the shooting. He had traveled to Orlando to visit the various Disney theme parks and the Universal Studios resort, and in the course of his stay discovered that Pulse, an establishment catering mostly to an LGBT clientele, was celebrating Latin Night as part of Pride Week, and he decided to check out the scene, which is illegal back home in Iran.

However, recalled the Ayatollah, gunfire soon rang out and people scrambled. He managed to avoid being seen by Omar Mateen, the shooter, at one point even flinging a 25-year-old man into the path of the gunfire, an act he regards as heroic. "I soiled myself, but kept my wits about me," he said, breathing heavily as the moments came back. "Somehow I managed to conceal myself from the shooter. I managed to maintain a buffer between him and me of at least one person who was immodestly dressed, and therefore deserved to be shot. But it was close. I hightailed it out of there as best I could."

Khamenei had dismissed his bodyguards for the Pulse excursion, a move he now questions. "Nobody knew who I was there  - I looked like any old hipster, so my personal security as Ayatollah wasn't really in doubt," he explained. "But I guess no one expected this. From now on, I'm not going anywhere without protection," he added, glancing at his wallet.

A spokesman for the Ayatollah said he lost several friends in the massacre, but was still in shock and urged visitors not to bring them up. "Please show sensitivity at this difficult time," the spokesman urged. "It will help with the healing process."

The incident marks the first time since 2011 that Khamenei has encountered such acute physical danger to his life. That year, he was one of seventeen hospitalized for heat stroke at the Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade.


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Naomi Returns To Bethlehem; Last Time Jew Does So Without Military Escort (PreOccupied Territory)

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Naomi and RuthBethlehem, Judah, June 7 - The widow of the late tribal leader Elimelech came back to her hometown today after ten years in the land of Moab, marking the final time for about three millennia that a Jew will enter the city without need of an armed escort, local sources are reporting.

Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth, also widowed from Naomi's son Mahlon, returned to Bethlehem this morning now that the famine that drove her and Elimelech away has subsided, and hunger no longer hovers over the land. The pair entered the town by themselves, causing a stir, both because the people were shocked to see how Naomi had aged and that they were witnessing the last time a Jew would be able to enter Bethlehem safely not in the company of several men carrying weapons to fend off Arab attackers, at least for three thousand years.

"Is that Naomi?" the townspeople were heard to exclaim, surmising that the withered old woman, once so vigorous and youthful, had decided to come back into the town while it was still possible to do so unaccompanied by soldiers. "Don't call me Naomi," she responded, according to witnesses. "Call me embittered, for the LORD has made it exceedingly bitter for me," presumably referring to her dire economic circumstances and the fact that for many centuries hence, a Jew would need serious protection upon entering her beloved hometown, lest he or she be attacked by hate-filled Palestinians bent on making Bethlehem judenrein again.

"She doesn't look too good, she and that Moabite woman," said a bystander who asked to remain nameless, but who described himself as a relative. "They're going to have a tough time of it now. I imagine they'll have to sell some of the family's ancestral holdings, which will eventually be taken over by Arabs as if it had always been theirs, and then those Arabs will resort to violence to keep Jews from reestablishing their presence here. Also, that daughter-in-law of hers is from Moab, and that's not such a popular thing around here. At least not with me."

Other observers had a more favorable assessment. "That takes guts, coming back here under such embarrassing circumstances," said an elder named Boaz. "I imagine that many, many years from now, the descendants of these fine women will similarly disregard the physical dangers of reestablishing their presence in their ancestral homeland. Of course, it can't hurt to to have a few strong youths, like my field hands, for protection."



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Brooklyn Co-Op To Aid Syrian People With Shipment Of Kale (PreOccupied Territory)

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kalePark Slope, June 1 - A group of socially-conscious, politically-aware Brooklyn residents have decided to help alleviate the suffering of the embattled Syrian people by collecting their excess leafy greens and donating them to relief organizations that will then deliver the foodstuffs to aid organizations assisting the Syrians, a spokeswoman for the group said today.
Humans United with Humans (HUH), a consortium of Brooklyn food co-ops, will begin encouraging members to buy an extra bunch of kale at each purchase and set it aside for shipment to Syria, where a five-year civil war has killed hundreds of thousands and displaced millions more. Sheryl Dunwoody, HUH spokeswoman, told reporters that the members voted to take action after seeing images of the carnage and suffering in Syria via Facebook and news programs and realizing that few Syrians would have access to kale under such conditions.
"We all want to do something about the situation, but it's hard to act from so far away," explained Dunwoody. "Then one of our members hit on the idea of collecting and donating kale, and the proposal immediately fired the imaginations of the membership." She added that while no specific aid organization has expressed willingness to deliver the kale to besieged, bombarded areas of Syria, it is only a matter of time before they identify one.
"We're also thinking of sending a representative with the kale, to present it to the needy Syrians, and maybe discuss with them some recipes for using it," she added. "But we thought better of that idea, because who are we to tell them how to prepare food? That smacks of the worst kind of imperialism. Also, no one volunteered to dedicate several weeks to such an endeavor."
Longtime Park Slope Co-op member Judith Wasserman voiced satisfaction that she and her fellow concerned citizens were finally able to do something to help. "It's been heart-wrenching for us, always hearing the news of the fighting, the killing, the wounded, and the shattered lives," she said. "But now we can address the heart-wrenching feeling with this gesture, and that's what's important." Wasserman, for her part, also wanted people to donate any music CDs they may have sitting unused in their cabinets, but that proposal was voted down after several members reminded their colleagues that CDs are not as authentic as vinyl.
"It's like 9/11 all over again," continued Wasserman. "After the attacks, people everywhere were looking for ways to show solidarity with the victims, and  remember how my circle of friends made everything better by baking an American flag cake.



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Herzog Still Stalking Netanyahu On Facebook (PreOccupied Territory)

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HerzogTel Aviv, May 25 - The week after an acrimonious end to negotiations between Likud and Labor over the formation of a national unity government, the head of Labor is surreptitiously and wistfully monitoring every photo, status, video, comment, and reaction of the prime minister on social media.

Isaac Herzog has repeatedly visited the Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat profiles of Binyamin Netanyahu over the last week and a half, his fingers and eyes lingering over each development with a mixture of longing and remorse etched onto his face. Observers report that Herzog can be heard alternately muttering retorts or snide comments at Netanyahu's posted content and staring, holding back tears.

He has also established a second, separate identity in each of those applications, under which the Zionist Union faction leader has paid visits to the profile pages of Yisrael Beiteinu chief Avigdor Liberman in each of those social media platforms, and left critical, derogatory, or passive-aggressive comments. Liberman is currently involved in negotiations to accept a senior cabinet position in Herzog's stead after the latter refused to accept Netanyahu's conditions for membership in the governing Coalition.

"You should lose weight," commented Instagram user DefinitelyNotBuji on the most recent photos posted by Liberman. The same user ID could be seen referring to Liberman as a "rebound" on Twitter and wishing him various misfortunes on Facebook. But most of Herzog's time and attention online has been devoted to devouring every post and comment of Netanyahu while making a supreme effort not to let the prime minister know he has been doing so.

Some observers suspect Netanyahu does know. "When Bibi announced in front of the entire Knesset yesterday that his door was still open to Herzog, it has to be seen in the context of last week's breakup," said analyst Caroline Hax. "Netanyahu loves tormenting Buji. He hasn't faced an Opposition head so victimizable in so long, he's clearly enjoying himself. The guy is heartless, but it's never been about the heart for him. It's about power, and he holds all the cards."

Herzog has also been observed trying to make a show in Netanyahu's presence of having a healthy alliance with other MKs, with mixed success. The Opposition leader's efforts to make Netanyahu either jealous or regretful appear to have had little effect on the premier, but they have aroused the ire of his longtime partner in the Zionist Union leadership, Hatnua chief Tzipi Livni, despite both party leaders' understanding that any relationship with Livni is inherently temporary.



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France Delays Mideast Peace Conference Amid Double Standard Shortage (PreOccupied Territory)

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AyraultParis, May 18 - French Minister of Foreign Affairs Jean-Marc Ayrault announced today that his country would postpone the Middle East peace conference originally scheduled for the end of this month, to allow for the manufacture and delivery of a sufficient quantity of double standards to apply to Israel.

Ayrault told reporters at a press conference this morning that the conference would take place not beginning May 30, as originally planned, but several weeks later, a delay that would give producers enough time to supply the European, American, and Arab participant nations with the number of double standards they are accustomed to applying to Israel, but of which inventories had been running low. The depletion of the double standards, said the minister, occurred because of improper oversight of double standard stockpiles, a factor that allowed almost anyone to seize and apply double standards with little or no oversight.

"We have had media outlets and international organizations making profligate use of double standards for Israel, seemingly without regard for the quantity of such resources available to the rest of us," he explained. "On top of the everyday bias against Israel's legitimacy or concerns, we had UNESCO denying Jewish history, the EU funding illegal Palestinian construction in areas under Israeli control as per Oslo - while condemning Israel for building homes - the hypocritical singling out of Israel as practicing torture - and that was just over the last couple of weeks. Add to that tendentious media coverage and the ongoing use of a unique, cynical, inhumane definition of 'refugee' only for Palestinians, and it's no wonder we're running low."

Additionally, say experts, the divergent treatment of terrorism targeting Europeans and terrorism targeting Israelis and Jews has strained the double standards inventory in Western Europe, and the bodies that normally produce the double standards have been focused more recently on dusting off and refurbishing old double standards for reuse, while stocks of more up-to-date double standards continued to be depleted by human rights organizations spilling ink and paper over alleged Israeli violations while making more sparing mention of far more horrific abuses among Israel's neighbors and adversaries.

"We said we were delaying the conference to enable Secretary Kerry to participate," said Ayrault. "That is because Mr. Kerry has promised to bring with him a new shipment of double standards, but he needed more than a couple of weeks to put it together. I'm especially excited to see what he can provide in terms of accusing Netanyahu of meddling in US politics, while funding efforts to oust Netanyahu's party from power.




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Syrian Lives Aren't As Important As My Legacy By Barack Obama (PreOccupied Territory)

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Syrian Lives Aren't As Important As My Legacy
By Barack Obama

ObamaRecent reports about Ben Rhodes, my foreign policy guru, and his alleged overselling of the Iran Deal have raised quite a few questions about my Middle East policy. To lay those questions to rest, let me be clear: the deal is about my legacy, and appeasing Iran as much as necessary to reach a deal - any deal at all - was a key element in that, no matter how many Syrians, Iraqis, and Yemenis have to die as a result. Syrian lives just aren't as important as my legacy.

It is crucial that we realize how central that point is to my foreign policy doctrine. Getting in the way of Iran's ambitions in Syria, or elsewhere in the region, would prompt them to walk away from the deal, and there goes my legacy. The same principle applies in terms of the deal itself, from verification mechanisms to what is and is not allowed to be made public. The fact of a deal was the goal, not its effectiveness, scope, or sustainability. Whether or not the Syrian people understand that is secondary, because when push comes to shove, they don't matter.

Not that the Syrians, Iraqis, and Yemenis - and many other peoples affected by Iran's proxies - are in a class by themselves. Other people and principles also fall away in the face my drive for a legacy as peacemaker: Israelis, the truth, the integrity of my administration's relationship with the press, and so on. So they're in good company, and shouldn't feel so bad.

American lives, too, have to be subordinated to the Iran Deal. I don't just mean the US Navy personnel taken hostage last year. Iran's Shiite proxy militias in Iraq had a hand in attacks on our troops in Iraq, to the tune of hundreds of US servicemen killed or wounded. But demanding redress, or penalizing Iran in any way, let alone asking for an apology, would short-circuit the deal. The same goes for enforcing sanctions, restricting Iran's access to the US banking system, and speaking out against the regime's egregious violations of human rights and support for international terrorism. Those things all had to be shunted aside, because I have a legacy to create.

Seriously, what are a few hundred thousand Syrian lives in the grand scheme of things, compared to my legacy?

This must be what the committee had in mind when it awarded me that Nobel Peace Prize.


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